Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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