A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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