I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
