I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Boobs are out for the taking
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
