sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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