is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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