I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
