If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
