i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...