He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
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Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.