I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
