cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
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now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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