If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
