Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
