don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
