my phone needs a breathalizer
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
