I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
