i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
