please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
