Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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