need another drink. this is the easiest way
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
