We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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