so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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