I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
