i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
