he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
