Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
