oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
