you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
