No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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