After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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