i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
