Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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