You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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