I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
