i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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