White coat. Heels.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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