HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
