I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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