My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
