I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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