Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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