When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
