apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize