In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
