i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
