Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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