this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
