The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
