I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
