I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
