Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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