if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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