Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
