The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
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and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Help me help you realize you are a moron