i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.