in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."