am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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