I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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